Ty’s been ill over the past few weeks and we haven’t been able to take the Harley out for awhile. Lately, I have been feeling the itch to take a nice long ride, but with so much to catch up on around the house and Ty having to go back to work it hasn’t fit into the schedule.
All this time without riding has got me to thinking about what it would take to get a bike of my own. I can see myself flying down the highway with the wind in my hair and bugs in my teeth. If I think hard enough I can feel the pull of a nicely banked curve calling me to come and conquer, but all my husband can hear is the screams of metal twisting and all he can see is my bloody corpse laying on the highway.
Every time I bring it up, he pats my leg and says, “You just need to stay behind me and hold on.” Sigh.
I love riding with my husband, but what I would give to actually be the one in control. I am smart enough to know that Ole Blue is way too much bike for me. (Ole Blue is a 95 Road King and weighs around 900 pounds. My feet don’t even touch the ground when I am on it.) I need something a little more my size if I am ever to ride on my own. I have it all picked out. I want in the color Merlot, and the payments wouldn’t be terrible. At this Ty smiles indulgently and shakes his head. (I bat my eyelashes and try to convince myself, and him, he is going crack.)
It is hard being a good submissive wife. Everything in me wants to stand up on my hind two legs and bark until he relents, but I know better. I know that my husband simply wants me in one piece and brain is already scrambled enough. I am able to submit to his (probably) better judgment for one reason, and one reason alone, he loves me.
In so many ways riding with Ty is like living with God. Water doesn’t part before Ty or anything like that, but my job really is just sit behind him and hold on. I am not in control of where we are going, how he is driving, or what conditions we have to endure to get there. It is a rather helpless feeling at times. And there is a knowledge that should something ever happen to Ty while we are out, I am stuck. I am not big enough, or experienced enough, to control the machine he is controlling. I just have to trust that his love for me will lead him to make good decisions.
That’s how it is living with God. We don’t get to control him. I don’t get to do what he does. I am not big enough or experienced enough to even know how to maneuver through this existence we call life – it’s all too powerful, too dangerous, and too overwhelming for a mere human to master.
However, too often I find that I want to throw a fit, get my way, have what I want, and a chance to go and do what I wanted to do without having to rely on someone else to get me there – or back. It can make you feel rather helpless, and that can be a scary feeling.
And even while I know that so much of this life is beyond my control, there is this voice in the back of my head that says I could handle something smaller. Something more my size, in the color Merlot, and the payments wouldn’t be too terrible, but God smiles indulgently, pats my leg, and shakes his head.
I find myself at the same place I find myself with Ty. I have to trust God to make good decisions, to guide me safely to my destination. I have to be okay with sitting back and holding on because he is big enough and experienced enough to handle the weight of my life around the trickiest of curves, they don’t faze him. I have to believe that He loves me enough to get me where I am going and that he isn’t going to give out somewhere along the roadside. And just like with Ty, I have to surrender control to him if I am going to enjoy the journey.
And maybe that’s why I can’t have my own Harley (just yet), I need to get a little better at letting someone else drive, someone who loves me, and who knows how to care for me better than I know how to care for myself. Maybe it is so I can learn how surrender so that I can enjoy the journey.
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