Silver Rings and Daffodils

I wear a small silver band on my left ring finger. So small it will not fit over the tip of my husband’s pinky, and yet it spins constantly about my finger, threatening to slide over my knuckle. It is a Renaissance reproduction, covered in whirls and loops of flowers and leaves. I love my little ring. I dare not share the cost, it would embarrass my husband. He was disappointed it was not gold and did not have a matching engagement ring. On his left hand he wears a similar ring, also silver. A fitting metal for us, a fitting design as well.

We married in a rush. We had only been dating eleven days when he proposed, partly because the kids told him he must if he were to stick around, but mostly because he had already decided I was going to be his wife. He was just waiting for me to realize I wanted him as my husband. There was no time to save for something more costly once the decision had been made.

We shopped about for rings, and I did look longingly after some more expensive bands, but in truth none of them “felt” right. It was Katrina who found these. She called and told me about her internet searches and I went to her house to look them over. Ty kept questioning me when I showed them to him, “Are you sure they are enough?”, “Is it really okay?” and he finally made peace with the idea when he promised to buy us better rings in the spring.

Spring is almost here. The daffodils are blooming in the yard and on our kitchen table.

There will be no new rings this spring. And I doubt that there will be in any spring. What seemed like a concession to poverty has taken on a new value. These were the bands we exchanged when we vowed to love each other the rest of our lives. I wore them both as Ty had his MRI and we were scared to death we were going to lose each other after such a short time together. They are the ones that clink against each other each night as we intertwine our fingers before slipping off to sleep. No, no new rings.

Suddenly it isn’t important that they did bear a greater price tag or that they fail to meet the demands of tradition. They were exchanged with sincerity and honor, and now they are all we really want. Our marriage is a renaissance, or rebirth, our second chance at love and a life with someone who will love us. Silver is the symbol of understanding, and we have found that there is a person who understands who we are and what we have been through. With each day that understanding deepens and grows, pulling us closer to each other and the value of our little silver bands is rooted in our shared experiences.

And even now, the significance of this little band grows, and I smile as the yellow flowers bob their heads’ in the March winds. Spring will not bring new rings, because we do not need them now. What we have known is too great to discard for something new or flashier. What we have known will be the foundations for what is still to come, and should not be forgotten or ignored. It is our reality that we have endured, survived, even celebrated and one that should be treasured.

They are symbols of who we are, who we have been, and who we hope to become. A simple reminder that there is another who carries the match to our ring and thinks of us each time they see it, or feel it slip around their finger. All truly great things share this trait. In and of themselves, they may be very small in value, but the experience they point you to, the reality that is bigger than a single object, holds the key to their true worth.

The question is do we have the eyes to see it, the heart and wisdom to perceive it when it spreads like a carpet of yellow petals before us? A symbol of spring, renewal, and rebirth reminding us of a God who delights in folding splashes of gold around an emerald stem. A God who loves to call life from the once frozen ground and festoon his creation with ridiculous beauty? Do we crave something more costly to hold in our hand? Or can we gather the posies and celebrate that there was another who emerged from the cold ground and know that he is thinking of you as they bob and sway in the March winds?

Photograph by Heavenly Touch Photography and Video by Mitzi

My Once a Decade Moment of Sappiness - For my friends

What is friendship? Real and true friendship, is it something that you experience in a moment? A brief fleeting pearl of time when you make a connection so strong that you feel like you have known each other for a life time? Is relationships that tend like a tree in an orchard, carefully pruning away the lifeless branches, giving others room to bloom and bear fruit? Is it stable and strong providing you with a firm place to leap from? Safety and security in a storm? Is it pliable, bending and swaying with the rhythms of life?

Is a friend someone you talk to every day? Someone with whom you have a brief encounter? That person who calls you up in the middle of the night to celebrate a small triumph or grieve over a great woe? Is it the person that only calls every two years, but it feels like you have never been apart? Someone to tell your secrets to, the one with whom all your pretenses easily fall away and sees you for who you really are?

Are they sources of strength in their quiet acceptance? Are they fountains of spontaneity, pulling you into shenanigans you would never do on your own? Do they push you dig deeper, fly higher, and try harder? Give you permission to rest, to cry, to laugh when no one else understands? Can you believe great dreams with them or simply be?

Do you fight, love, and become who you would hope to be in their presence? Do they call you on your garbage, especially when it is aimed at yourself? Do they let you wallow in self pity and then pull you out of the pits of despair when the timer goes off? Is honesty tempered with love? Is strength softened with compassion?

Can you hold their hands and watch as their world crumbles before them, because you know they stood by you when yours came crashing down? Do you ache with their pain when they lose it all? Does their tragedy rip at your heart, even as you hold it together to be a haven for them?

In my life, I have been blessed with a handful of friends. People who have been one or all of these things to me, for me, and ones for whom I hope to be the same for them. For a few of us, our lives are so entangled that you cannot tell where one life starts and the other begins. We have shared it all joy, triumph, heartache, fear, and hope. We dream our biggest dreams together, and we gently ground each other when we try to fly higher than our wings were made to go. We have held each other up when the world has rolled beneath our feet, leaving us to wonder if this life too cruel to be endured.

They are friends who listen to my midnight rants, and for them no call comes to late or early. They are the ones who call me on delusions of grandeur but refuse to let me accept the title of victim. They are the voices that remind me to be honest with myself, but to attempt great things. They are the ones who will pick me up when I need a ride, invade my fortress of solitude, and push me into the deep end. I love them because they are gentle with my frailties, and tough on my stupidity.

I have friends that I met once, and like sisters separate at birth we struggle to fit an entire lifetime of stories into a single afternoon. Laughing and sharing scars as we recognize one who knows us without being told, but taking delight in the telling. These friends are like a glass of fine wine – savored, enjoyed, and remembered fondly with a smile. They are the ones I wish I could call back into my life, but time and distance makes it impossible, so we rest in the comfort of knowing merely that they exist. Waiting for the day when perhaps there will be another few moments of indulgence.

Each friendship so different, valuable and beautiful for their uniqueness, and what they have brought to my life. Each making my world a little larger, a little less lonely, and little more of an adventure. They have helped me see myself better, and they have loved me as I am. You have helped me love me a little better, and with you I have learned to enjoy who I am. It is one of the greatest gifts a human being can give to another.

So there it is, my one moment of sappiness for this decade. I know I can count on all my true friends to torment me unmercifully about it. I love you any way.

S-ingle A-wareness D-ay draweth nigh!

This is a repost from last year, and although I have become a convert, I wanted to remember all my single friends out there.

Warning: The following post is a public service announcement for those of you who have forgotten what it is like to be single on the 14th of February. Out of respect for those who observe the great holiday of S.A.D., I have used the traditional and sacred language of sarcasm. For those unfamiliar with this particular dialect, please be aware that superlative must be invoked and extremism is mandatory. Do not interpret the text too literally.

Single Awareness Day is encroaching once again.

For those of you who are unaware of this holiday, congratulations. We are aware that many have chosen not to follow in the observance of SAD and chose instead the media endorsed Valentine’s day. As we live in a free country this is your right, but please do not disregard our grand tradition.

You may have to overlook the fact we snarl a bit at the images of naked baby cherubs with bows and arrows, or that we grouch about the multitude of roses that seem to magically appear in the dead of winter. You may need to look into your heart to find a smidgeon of forgiveness if we scoff at the idea of true love and all its joys. These are sacred customs for us, a reminder of our own self sufficiency and that we really don’t need chocolate as much as the next girl. Candlelit dinners are for people who don’t like to look at who they are dining with and heart shaped balloons are a frivolous waste of money.

It is a great divide in our ideologies that as brothers and sisters in Christ we must overlook, and it is but a single day. So enjoy what you so erroneously refer to as Valentine’s Day, and we will try to overlook your extravagance in folly.

I know there are few of you who pity us and believe that it is your duty to convert us, to show us the joy of your holiday, but please understand that you are wasting your time and possibly posing a threat to your well being. However, there always seems to be at least one of you who think that you can help us see the error of our cynicism and find this to be a great excuse. Allow me to offer some helpful advice on how to be real friend to the single person in your life.

1.Do NOT set them up for a blind date on this day. We have vivid imaginations and you cannot imagine the miraculous things we believe might happen if we have dinner with the right person on this night. Way too much pressure, besides there is some crazy atmospheric thing that happens making everyone either terribly attractive or just terrible. Set ups on this night won’t work. Save our friendship and do NOT do it.

2.Do NOT try to make us feel better by sending us flowers at work. It is humiliating enough to be the only girl without a bouquet on her desk. Do not make it worse by making us confess to co-workers that the flowers are really from our mother, gal pal, or a male friend who felt pity for us.

3.Do NOT tell us about your great plans unless we ask. Some of us are working very hard to forget that this day even exists. Others of us are masochistic and derive some sort of twisted joy out of this added reminder of all the things we are missing out on. Your call as to whether you are helping or hurting by filling in all the details of how great your significant other is. Just be aware of what you are doing.

4.Do NOT complain to us about how you only got one rose, dinner was not as fancy as you think it should be, or he/she did not even get you a card. This is for your own safety. I once saw a woman beaten with a baseball bat when she complained all her husband did for her on Valentine’s Day was fix the car. For those of us gals who fix the car ourselves this better than flowers and we sometimes are compelled to mete out proper punishment to those who fail to appreciate what they have been given.

5.Do NOT tell us we are beautiful people who deserve to have someone great in our lives. We know that, and that is why we chose to remain single – no one great enough has come along. Keep the sad faces for funerals, and don’t destroy our illusion by pointing it out. (It’s bad enough when we lie to ourselves, but when you do it we want to choke you.)

6.Do NOT tell us that Paul said that it is better to be single. He also wrote it is better to marry than to burn and some of us are blazing infernos.

7.Do NOT tell us that Jesus is all we need. As true as that may be, he has never sent flowers in a crystal vase, whipped out a credit card with his name on it for dinner, or sent me diamonds. And really is this the proper time to heap condemnation over our lack of faith on top of the rejection and abandonment issues we are already facing?

8.Do NOT ask us to help you chose a gift for your significant other. You have them, you deal with your responsibilities. This includes having us tag along to any store or part of a store that is decorated with heart shaped boxes, flowers, pink balloons, jewelry, or perfume.

9.Do NOT suggest that we get out of the house that night and do something for ourselves. Alone, in the dark, moping is preferable to watching all you couplers moon over each other in public.

10.Do NOT ask us to babysit your children. Why should we make it easy on you?

Do remind us that candy is half off on the 15th (if all you greedy hogs haven’t sucked all the joy from the atmosphere on the 14th). Do accept our compliments on your new ring, necklace, or bouquet with grace, but change the subject quickly. We are just being polite, please return the favor. Do let us mope a bit without trying to fix us. After all that is part of our sacred ceremony, a complex observance with seemingly conflicting symbols and creeds, but it makes complete sense to those of us who have accepted this holiday as our own.

Remember that we still love you even if you have been sucked into this holiday of mass consumerism posing as a holiday of love. Let’s just get back to normal as soon as possible, okay? (And if you do know a great Christian Single, tell us about them – but wait until at least the 16th. Who know by next year you may change our minds.)

Steps, Leaping, and Surrender

In my adult life I have had three significant love relationships. The first one was to the man I married, a man I dated, and the man to whom I will be married in forty days. I haven’t always been wise when it comes to matters of the heart. It would be easy to blame society, television, Walt Disney, or a million other factors. The truth is I was pretty mixed up when it came to the who to the whole love thing, but I didn’t know it and as I talk to other girls who hope to one day find love I see that it isn’t just me that had a problem sorting all this out.

We get a lot of mixed signals when it comes to romance. Most of us come from broken homes, so we believe that love is something that goes away and can’t be trusted. Many of us see the dysfunctional relationships portrayed in popular media and we think that love can be had in rapid succession with a number of partners. We are told that love is a commitment by so many people in the church. Walt Disney says love is forever and once we find it we are guaranteed a happily ever after.

We don’t know if love is something we pursue or finds us. We can’t figure out if it is something that we feel or decide. We just don’t know if we are destined to be the lucky ones or if love is a matter of intense effort. It is not easy to sift through all the information out there about this phenomenon.

As the date draws closer to my wedding, I am finding myself reflecting on the past. The events that shaped my perceptions, recognizing some of my mistakes, and things that I have endured in order to understand what makes this relationship so different from the last ones. Yes, definitely the man is different, but I am different too.

I was twenty years old when I was married the first time. I knew I wanted a husband and a family so I got married to the first man who seemed to fit my check list. I took all the proper steps in choosing this man. He looked good on paper, and I believed that as long as I kept following the formulas, did things by the book, we would be able to build a marriage that would be okay. There was no passion for him, and as it turned out, he had none for me. We were both looking of partners who fit certain criteria and we thought we had found them. It was not long before it was obvious that our marriage was based on misinformation and more than a few lies, but I still believed that if I took all the proper steps I could make it better. I told myself that I loved him, and if I just kept trying everything would work out.

I had every relationship book in print, worked the formula, and went through counseling all in hopes that I would find the right set of steps to our save us from destruction. The thing is love is a bit of a dance, but if it is really love, your partner doesn’t hate you if you step on their toes from time to time. In the end, I was unable to keep up, do the right things, or be the right person to keep him happy and all I was doing was killing myself trying to make it work. It wasn’t easy to admit that the marriage failed, but looking back, I realize that my biggest mistake happened when I believed that love could be a formula to be mastered.

The next relationship was comedy or tragedy of mistakes, depending on your point of view. I leapt into love, blindly, stupidly. For the first time I knew what it was to want someone in my life, not just try to have someone because it is expected. There was fire and passion, but it was fanned by the flames of uncertainty and doubt. The constant strain of whether he was going to be there for me or not, rearranging my life so that I would be acceptable and appealing to him, all in the hopes that he would one day wake up and realize he loved me as much as I did him. I held on through so much chaos and confusion thinking my leap of faith would be enough to sustain us. In the end, it takes two to believe for great things and both have to leap together. The last time I leapt, he stood firmly on the edge of that abyss and watched me fall, and I realized that I could never do that again.

I was a little lost for awhile after that. I didn’t know what to do. Love wasn’t working for me or I couldn’t make it work for me. I had tried taking the steps. I had made the leaps, what else could I do? It seemed so out of my hands, so far beyond anything I could possibly do that I felt hopeless. I didn’t like being out of control. I didn’t like feeling like I could do nothing to bring about the one thing that I have wanted since the first time I saw Cinderella, but I was helpless.

Then I met Ty, and I was too weary to take the steps. I was too scared to make another leap, but he never asked me to. Instead, he sat there one night and told me about the things in his heart, his hopes, his fears, and why I belonged in his life. He told me about how who I was, not what I did, fascinated and captivated him. There was no formula to master or ability to prove, and I found myself confronted by something so completely new, it scared me to death. He loved me, and all I had to do was surrender to it. I had to be okay with just being. I had to trust him, and it is hard not do with those beseeching blue eyes promising so much if you do. I had to turn loose of all my attempts to control the situation, and surrender to this man.

For the first time, I understood why so many people can’t figure Christianity out, why a God who offers grace is so difficult to understand and accept. When you spend your whole life thinking that love is something you have to perform to receive, being confronted by a love that demands only your presence is overwhelming. I almost walked away from Ty. He seemed too good to be true, but I decided I could be okay with this new type of love, the kind where I am beautiful even when my hairs a mess and my feet are covered in dirt from the garden.

I have to believe that God is like that. That he sees our dirty feet and smiles every time we turn our faces towards him, because its not about the steps we take or the leaps we attempt. It is about realizing he loves us and trusting his love enough to surrender to him.

Emily's Rules for Witnessing, Well, more like guidlines, suggestions really.

A big part of our faith is witnessing, sharing the good news with those around us. For many Christians this is the most daunting task we have to face, and the reason is most of us don’t know how without ending up in an argument.

It is no secret that most of my working life has been spent in what most would consider rather worldly situations. I have spent a lot of time listening to the stories of those who have never heard about God’s love, heard distorted versions of it, or even been burned by the Church. During that season I learned a lot about talking to those who live outside our Christian bubbles, but more than that I learned the importance of listening to them. I learned many of the things that turn them off and keep them from hearing what we have to say. I also learned how engage them in conversations that help them move a little closer to God.

I wanted to write this post not as a way to brag on my abilities, but rather to share some of what I have learned. Hopefully, I can save you a few steps, and maybe you can avoid some of my mistakes.

Rule #1 - You have to keep the conversation going. You can’t share our message with someone who won’t listen to you.

Rule#2 – Conversations stop when you start being confrontational. We can’t force someone to believe what we believe, even if we know we are right. The shields go up, doors close, and all chances of having an important conversation are lost, sometimes for good.

Rule #3 – Correction is reserved for those who proclaim to share our faith. Anyone outside the Church or does not profess a relationship with Jesus is off limits. Jesus’ words of correction were reserved for those who proclaimed to know the law, not the Roman Centurion, not the woman who anointed His feet in oil.

Rule #4 – Listen. Listen. Listen. Chances are they already know the plan of salvation. You would be surprised at the number of people sitting around a bar who can quote chapter and verse better than most regular church goers. You are not there to fix them, you are there to show mercy and compassion to a world in need. You start by learning their story.

Rule #5 – Acknowledge their wounds, even those caused by sinful behavior. The pain is real, and dismissing it, or worse proclaim it as deserved, says we do not value them as a person. Remember Jesus never kicked a leper, nor did He beat the woman caught in adultery. We should follow His example.

Rule #6 – Answer questions about your faith as they arise. People will tell you what they are ready to hear, and if you don’t know an answer, don’t try to bluff them. Say you don’t know and offer to find out, and then do it. Most people appreciate knowing you cared enough to address their questions in a sincere and thoughtful manner.

Rule #7 – Never compromise your faith by engaging in behavior that negates your words, and if you do, acknowledge it. This is a great time to talk about God’s gift of forgiveness to you, and the experience of conviction over your sin. Remember this conversation is all about you, and not the unbeliever.

Rule #8- Don’t say things like, “Thank you, Jesus” when you have a flat tire. It comes across as insincere. Although you may mean it, no one will believe you, including me. Acknowledge that you are upset, and it really did nothing to brighten your day. Acting sanctimonious says either you aren’t human or you are hiding something.

Rule #9 – Make friends with nonbelievers, and don’t have an agenda. Trust me they can tell when you are plotting something. Get to know them because they have admirable traits, everyone has one, with some people you just have to look a little harder.

Rule #10 – If they are passionate about something and it violates no Biblical principle join them. You can learn some really amazing things this way, about their interests and about them as a person. You don’t need to teach them the Roman Road to salvation every time you see them, just hanging out is okay.

Rule #11- Know your limits. Going out into the world to share our faith is dangerous, know when to retreat, and have a plan in place for those times when things get outside your comfort zone. Usually a simple “time for me to go” is sufficient. Don’t try to explain why you need to leave, just firmly but gracefully make your exit.

Rule #12 – THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR YOU! Establish a network of mature Christian friends to hold you accountable. Make sure they are the type of people who will ask you the hard questions and make you answer. If they say get out, get out.

The most difficult thing in this approach is learning how to have the conversations without compromising your position. It helps to use “I” statements, and avoid accusations. Pick your battles wisely, in this era of open mindedness and tolerance we can state what we believe as long as we aren’t forcing down someone’s throat. Most people love to talk about spiritual matters if they know they won’t be attacked. There may be times when you have to take a stand, but I have found all but the most belligerent of people don’t want to fight. More can be accomplished by giving them room to wrestle it out than trying to force a situation to a head.

Junk Sale!!! Anyone looking for a Bargain?

Anybody want to buy some of my junk? I have a few love letters that would have been touching, had they ever been written. In the box in the back we have some great romantic evenings, if we had been. On the table in the front are some beautiful engagement rings, that are stunning if only in my mind. And I will make you a special deal on the house with the green shutters and the white picket fence, that was never built. Over to your left, are few photos. Oh, they are real enough but the smiles are fake. In that basket are some beautiful handcrafted holidays, that no one bothered to finish. And on that chair is the man who I created out of bits of daydreams and glimmers of potential, I’ll throw him in free if you are willing to pay full price for the broken promises and disappointed hopes.

I know they don’t seem like much to you, but once upon a time they meant everything to me. But that story never got written, at least not how I intended it to be. Reality looked a lot different than fairy tale ending I had hoped for. You see in fairy tales, there is only one dragon to be slain before the happily ever after can begin. In real life, many must be defeated, and even then there are no guarantees.

So I am packing it all up and hauling it to the curb if I can’t find any takers. Not because they aren’t beautiful fantasies any more, but because that’s all they ever were, fantasies. The finest quality a girl can dream up, but there comes a time when you have to turn it loose. When you have realize what dreams aren’t going to come true, because if you hold on to tightly you will drown under them

The problem is that without them my house is going to look bare, and I am not for sure if I will feel at home here any longer. Maybe that is not a bad thing. Maybe we all need to clear out some room in our hearts and minds for the next big adventure. Maybe who I was when I wove the threads of this dream together isn’t who I am today. Maybe , just maybe, I out grew them.

It is hard to know which is the greater act of faith. Turning loose or hanging on. If I turn loose am I saying that God has failed to act on my behalf, that He did not hear my prayers? Am I admitting that I just don’t have the faith for Him to perform a miracle in my life, that He can’t resurrect a dead dream? Or maybe it is the turning loose that shows faith. Faith that God is not bound to my ideas of how my life should look. Maybe faith is surrendering to a greater vision of my life, one not conjured up by outdated fairy tales, but one that He has dreamt for me.

Can we trust Him with our future? Even when it doesn’t look like we planned? Can we lay aside those things we once thought we believed would make us happy and wait to experience something new?

There are times in this life when we need to stop and reevaluate the furniture of our hearts and minds. Maybe we need to do more than clear away the cobwebs and just get rid of all the junk. It doesn’t mean that we stop dreaming or hoping. It means that we learn to dream with Him, and let Him dream through us. We need to make room for the things He wants to bring into our lives, and that we turn loose of all the stuff that clutters up our hearts and minds.

We often wonder what is holding us back, why we can’t seem to take the next step forward, even when we have the desire, but so seldom do we stop look at the things that are holding us in place. The dreams that once defined us, who we thought we should be becomes weight upon our shoulders, silently condemning us for having never achieved what we somehow believed to be our right. We see ourselves through the lens of those dreams, and until we turn loose we will never be able to see the possibilities that lay before us.

So I am having a junk sale. Learning to turn loose of the stuff I really don’t need. The things that I will no longer allow to define me. I am clearing away the rubbish and making room for new treasures, because sometimes moving forward means turning loose of the past.