Saturday, February 12, 2011

S-ingle A-wareness D-ay draweth nigh!

This is a repost from last year, and although I have become a convert, I wanted to remember all my single friends out there.

Warning: The following post is a public service announcement for those of you who have forgotten what it is like to be single on the 14th of February. Out of respect for those who observe the great holiday of S.A.D., I have used the traditional and sacred language of sarcasm. For those unfamiliar with this particular dialect, please be aware that superlative must be invoked and extremism is mandatory. Do not interpret the text too literally.

Single Awareness Day is encroaching once again.

For those of you who are unaware of this holiday, congratulations. We are aware that many have chosen not to follow in the observance of SAD and chose instead the media endorsed Valentine’s day. As we live in a free country this is your right, but please do not disregard our grand tradition.

You may have to overlook the fact we snarl a bit at the images of naked baby cherubs with bows and arrows, or that we grouch about the multitude of roses that seem to magically appear in the dead of winter. You may need to look into your heart to find a smidgeon of forgiveness if we scoff at the idea of true love and all its joys. These are sacred customs for us, a reminder of our own self sufficiency and that we really don’t need chocolate as much as the next girl. Candlelit dinners are for people who don’t like to look at who they are dining with and heart shaped balloons are a frivolous waste of money.

It is a great divide in our ideologies that as brothers and sisters in Christ we must overlook, and it is but a single day. So enjoy what you so erroneously refer to as Valentine’s Day, and we will try to overlook your extravagance in folly.

I know there are few of you who pity us and believe that it is your duty to convert us, to show us the joy of your holiday, but please understand that you are wasting your time and possibly posing a threat to your well being. However, there always seems to be at least one of you who think that you can help us see the error of our cynicism and find this to be a great excuse. Allow me to offer some helpful advice on how to be real friend to the single person in your life.

1.Do NOT set them up for a blind date on this day. We have vivid imaginations and you cannot imagine the miraculous things we believe might happen if we have dinner with the right person on this night. Way too much pressure, besides there is some crazy atmospheric thing that happens making everyone either terribly attractive or just terrible. Set ups on this night won’t work. Save our friendship and do NOT do it.

2.Do NOT try to make us feel better by sending us flowers at work. It is humiliating enough to be the only girl without a bouquet on her desk. Do not make it worse by making us confess to co-workers that the flowers are really from our mother, gal pal, or a male friend who felt pity for us.

3.Do NOT tell us about your great plans unless we ask. Some of us are working very hard to forget that this day even exists. Others of us are masochistic and derive some sort of twisted joy out of this added reminder of all the things we are missing out on. Your call as to whether you are helping or hurting by filling in all the details of how great your significant other is. Just be aware of what you are doing.

4.Do NOT complain to us about how you only got one rose, dinner was not as fancy as you think it should be, or he/she did not even get you a card. This is for your own safety. I once saw a woman beaten with a baseball bat when she complained all her husband did for her on Valentine’s Day was fix the car. For those of us gals who fix the car ourselves this better than flowers and we sometimes are compelled to mete out proper punishment to those who fail to appreciate what they have been given.

5.Do NOT tell us we are beautiful people who deserve to have someone great in our lives. We know that, and that is why we chose to remain single – no one great enough has come along. Keep the sad faces for funerals, and don’t destroy our illusion by pointing it out. (It’s bad enough when we lie to ourselves, but when you do it we want to choke you.)

6.Do NOT tell us that Paul said that it is better to be single. He also wrote it is better to marry than to burn and some of us are blazing infernos.

7.Do NOT tell us that Jesus is all we need. As true as that may be, he has never sent flowers in a crystal vase, whipped out a credit card with his name on it for dinner, or sent me diamonds. And really is this the proper time to heap condemnation over our lack of faith on top of the rejection and abandonment issues we are already facing?

8.Do NOT ask us to help you chose a gift for your significant other. You have them, you deal with your responsibilities. This includes having us tag along to any store or part of a store that is decorated with heart shaped boxes, flowers, pink balloons, jewelry, or perfume.

9.Do NOT suggest that we get out of the house that night and do something for ourselves. Alone, in the dark, moping is preferable to watching all you couplers moon over each other in public.

10.Do NOT ask us to babysit your children. Why should we make it easy on you?

Do remind us that candy is half off on the 15th (if all you greedy hogs haven’t sucked all the joy from the atmosphere on the 14th). Do accept our compliments on your new ring, necklace, or bouquet with grace, but change the subject quickly. We are just being polite, please return the favor. Do let us mope a bit without trying to fix us. After all that is part of our sacred ceremony, a complex observance with seemingly conflicting symbols and creeds, but it makes complete sense to those of us who have accepted this holiday as our own.

Remember that we still love you even if you have been sucked into this holiday of mass consumerism posing as a holiday of love. Let’s just get back to normal as soon as possible, okay? (And if you do know a great Christian Single, tell us about them – but wait until at least the 16th. Who know by next year you may change our minds.)


Laurie said...

Do you remember what you did on V-day 2006?

Emily said...

Not off the top of my head, but I have a feeling you might be able to remind me. In fact, I am a little scared of what you might have to say now.

Olde Hermit said...

Girrrrlll, So I read this on the 12th and thought, "I think Valentine's Day is an okay day. I still have hope for love." Then on the 15th I ran into one of those people who stopped by my room, had me stop working, and tell me about all the awesome stuff their hubby did for Valentine's Day (Dinner, Flowers, Romance) as I reflected on my evening (diapers, screaming, cleaning). I thought about this post and wished I had a little card to hand them with instructions for those of us celebrating S.A.D. :) Too funny. I almost started laughing when she started talking.