Monday, May 16, 2011

Sorry to have been away for so long

I feel like I need to apologize for slipping off the grid for the past couple of months. It seems that life has been conspiring against me when it comes to the blog. As many of you know, our last event was not what we had hoped it would be, and after months of preparation I found myself completely drained – emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. On the heels of that, we were faced with a series of deaths and one horrible accident involving a family member.

In so many ways these past two months have been a time of sifting. We have been reexamining Pagus, what it means to us and where it should go. Our personal lives have been turned upside down as we have dealt with grief and loss, and in the midst of everything we have been presented some unique opportunities that are being explored and prayed over. It would be so easy to overlook all the good things that are happening among the disappointing and the devastating, but we are striving to keep our eyes fixed our Lord and press on to the places He is calling us.

It would be equally easy to avoid the uglier facts of what has been happening and present a “good Christian” fa├žade to all of you who may not be close enough to know what has been happening. However, one the reasons we started this blog was to share the process, and to deny the heartache and tears will be found along the path God leads us would be equally wrong. Life isn’t always pretty. There are tough things, painful things, that we experience and there is value in the knowing. So we have decided to share, not to be negative, or to discourage anyone from pursuing their dreams, but rather that each of you who hear our story may be better prepared to meet with the difficulties you may encounter on your journey.

Sometimes we need to share the facts, and we need to expose the emotions. We need to tell our stories because our stories are why we are who we are. In Revelation John tells us that the accuser is overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the testimony of the saints. And testimony is just a fancy Christian word for story, my story and yours. And if I am to tell my story it has to include the emotions, the way I felt about what has happened in my life, it is all part of being honest. So in the next few posts be ready for a little honesty, a few raw emotions, and well, in short, a Christian who doesn’t always have it all together.

It took me awhile to get to this place where I felt like it was okay to share these writings. I worried that they would be misread and misunderstood, but in the end, I knew that I was trying to justify my own cowardice – and one thing I can’t stand is a coward, especially when it is me. I realized that I was worried that people would doubt my call and gifting to teach, to be one of the leaders of Pagus, if they saw exactly how “unspiritual” I can be, and then I realized who cares? Really, who cares?

I am not always spiritual, and my relationship with God is often expressed in ways that can make people uncomfortable, but it is a real relationship based on faith and trust. Faith that He is exactly who the Bible declares Him to be - a big God who loves me and desires that I walk in a real relationship with Him. Trust that He is secure enough not to be intimidated my honest questions, and strong enough to wrestle with me as I work my way through this thing called faith. It is a relationship where I can be me, with no apologies and no fear, He knows who I am, He knows my thoughts before I think them, and they don’t scare Him, just me sometimes.

So I am glad to be back, and I will catch up on what has been going in my head while I was gone. I have feeling we are in for one wild ride over the next year so strap in and hold on tight, because I think we just bought tickets for one killer roller coaster ride.

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