Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What do you mean I'm not Superwoman?

Ty and I made a decision Sunday morning. It was not an easy one to come to for us, partially because I was afraid to that if I brought it up he would say no, and partially because Ty is committing to taking on a little more of his wife’s insanity.

Over the past few years I have tried to juggle being a mom, have a job, and organize events for Pagus. I recently realized that I could not do everything. It was a hard thing to admit to myself, because suddenly I found myself hurling down a black hole of what I perceived as failure. It seems like I should be able to do it all, and on paper it looks like my schedule might just hold enough hours of the day to do more. But I am just not one of those people who cram it all into a 24 hour day and do it well, and that is my problem – I want to do it all well, and if I can’t then I hide all evidence that I tried in the first place. I just don’t deal with failure well at all.

So I had to have a talk with my husband, and I had to admit that I am not Superwoman, nor will I ever be. He took it surprisingly well. He did not seem to be the least bit surprised at my deficiencies and he did not threaten to leave me if I didn’t get it all together. He’s great, but I hate being that vulnerable.
We looked at all the things I have on my plate – teaching, the girls, the house keeping, and Pagus. Something had to go. I offered to give up housekeeping with all that it entails, laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. Ty wasn’t in favor of that one, so I have to keep it. I offered to auction off the girls, but he said we would have to pay someone to take them and we don’t have that kind of money.

So that left two things – teaching and Pagus.

This is where the talk got painful. I love teaching. There is something supremely gratifying in watching a person’s face when a new idea takes root in their brain. It is also means that I get paid, not a lot but a good percentage of our income. Not teaching seems like an insane idea, and yet as we talked through our options, it became clear that it is only one aspect of a greater passion –Pagus.

So my extremely brave husband said, “Baby, you do whatever you need to do, and we will make the best of it.” Suddenly, all my fears washed the other way, my husband was giving me carte blanche to do whatever. He was trusting me to make a wise decision, and all my heart kept saying was wisdom is following God’s calling even if it seems crazy. I began to formulate plans on how I could keep juggling, maybe if I started taking vitamins on a regular basis or lived off of coffee (no wait, I already do that), or Red Bull I could do it all. I keep the financial worries of our lives from falling on his shoulders alone, that would be the responsible thing.

The thing is I don’t juggle well. I just don’t operate at the height of my abilities when my heart is divided. I am the sorts of person who needs to be all in or all out, and I knew that I would never be able to do what needs to be done with Pagus if I didn’t commit.

It is a huge leap of faith for us. It means that money is going to be tight, really tight. It means that I am asking my husband to take a risk financially for my dream. It means that I will be finding out whether or not this thing we call Pagus really can be a success or if it was better off just being a nice idea.

Over the past few weeks everywhere I looked God seemed to be intent on showing me how the people who really got to see him, the ones who got to experience his presence were the ones who were willing to take a risk. They were the bold ones and the ones who weren’t content to simply do the smart things in this life. My whole life I have wanted to see him, be where he is, do what he is doing, and I think that he wants me there too. Now that I understand that it is time to jump.

We often look around at the people who are doing the things that God has created them to do and we wonder how they got there. What magical doors opened for them, but when I look at the Bible I find it has nothing to do with things just happening – it has everything to do with us, are we willing to elbow our way past the obstacles, will we stand on the street corner and scream his name, are we willing to leave it all behind just to be near him. Can we risk it all, our finances, our social responsibilities, our reputation, even the other blessings he has given us for a season to be near him?

There are going to be a lot of people who won’t understand why I am making this decision. There are going to be a few with hurt feelings, and I am going to disappoint them in their expectations of me. To tell the truth there is a part of me that is disappointed too. I wanted to do it all, but since I can’t I will do the one thing he has called me to, and I will do it well.


Amy said...

I am glad you took the leap.. :)

Emily said...

I am still amazed I did and I may have actually been pushed by that man of mine.